If you want to develop a secure attachment style mindset from an anxious attachment style, let yourself be abandoned.
Many of us have experienced feelings of insecurity and fear in our relationships, whether it be with friends, family, or romantic partners. The fear of being rejected, left behind, or abandoned can have a significant impact on our ability to form healthy connections with others.
What is an abandonment wound? It’s a person who has experienced neglect, hurt, abandonment, mistreatment, or rejection that either occurred during one’s childhood or in past relationships. This creates and causes an abandonment wound inside. Their brain then creates thoughts and fears of future rejection and future abandonment.
Signs of Abandonment Wounds Showing Up In Your Relationships
- You need continual reassurance that others love you or will stay.
- You are jealous of others close to the ones you love.
- You struggle to trust anyone including yourself.
- You change yourself to fulfill their desires because you fear rejection.
- You tend to be the fixer or the over-giver in relationships.
- You overanalyze and look for flaws to justify why you can’t trust them.
There are several ways to lose the fear of abandonment. One strategy is to practice self-love and build a strong sense of self-worth. This can be achieved through therapy, mindfulness, and positive self-talk.
Another approach is to focus on building strong, healthy relationships with others, which can help to alleviate feelings of loneliness and abandonment. Additionally, identifying and challenging negative thought patterns related to abandonment can help to reduce anxiety and fear.
Finally, cultivating a supportive community of friends and loved ones can provide a sense of security and belonging, which can help to ease fears of abandonment. It goes without saying, that it’s a process that’s not going to occur overnight but it is a powerful piece of the puzzle.
In this episode on the Really Personal Podcast, we will be discussing the roots of this fear, its effects on our mental health, and ways to overcome it and build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. So sit back, relax, and join us on this journey toward greater self-awareness and emotional well-being.
The Mindset Shift When Delivered From The Fear of Abandonment
#1: Choosing love over hate.
In reflecting on past or recent broken relationships, we tend to hate in order to stop feeling the love. It’s painful to love someone you’re not with anymore, so your attempts to alleviate or release the pain are to replace your love with hate.
And hate offers no such relief.
#2: Turning resentment and regret into beautiful life lessons.
The only way to abandon the fear of abandonment is to turn regret, shame, and hate into love, care, acceptance, and hope. The only reason for a relationship to end is because it wasn’t the right person. When either person can’t build a relationship or sees a future with the other, and the relationship ends, it doesn’t mean that we have to hold resentment- “I was fooled. They weren’t who they say they were.”
Have ownership in the authenticity of the love you have for this person- “I was with the right person at that time in my life. They are awesome. They are wonderful. I love them but I also have to let them go.”
#3: People are not possessions.
There’s a big difference between someone you’re meant to be within a moment and someone you’re supposed to build with. I can say with absolute certainty that I was meant to be with the people I was with. I just wasn’t meant to stay with them. People are not possessions. We don’t own them. We cannot lose something that we don’t own. We cannot control whether someone stays or goes in our life.
#4: It’s a gift to have an individual walk with me in my life, however long.
What happens if you shift your mindset and belief to, “that was a beautiful season together. I received beautiful awareness and memories from this relationship. Even during the difficult parts, I acknowledge that I chose myself by valuing myself and my worth.” This is powerful.
#5: Letting yourself get abandoned.
If you want to develop a secure attachment style mindset from an anxious attachment style, let yourself be abandoned. What does that mean? Let your partner leave you and let your heart get broken.
If this happens, you will realize that you can survive that abandonment, meaning you will no longer have a fear of abandonment happening to you. This also means that the fear of abandonment can no longer control you. So to abandon the fear of abandonment, you have to experience it and learn from it, or else life situations regarding abandonment will keep appearing until the lesson is learned.
Love hurts sometimes, but when it does, we can certainly learn very important lessons from it. The life that you want may require you to change how you view yourself. In regards to the fear of abandonment showing up in your relationships, causing anxiousness, and feelings of unworthiness, allow yourself to experience abandonment.