All of us want to be loved and understood. When someone isn’t understanding our viewpoints, ideologies, feelings, and emotions, we become frustrated with the process and resentful of that individual. It’s definitely a hard pill to swallow to accept that not every single conversation is going to go your way, you’re not always going to be right, and not every single argument is an argument you need to win.

Have you adopted poor habits from previous relationships regarding arguing and communication?  In this episode of the Really Personal Podcast, we dive into the nitty-gritty of effective communication with loved ones, friends, and co-workers. Approaching 10 years of marriage, Carrie Taylor not only bestows some valuable wisdom but challenges us to look within, squash the ego, and focus on the achievements of peace and love.

Carrie and James Taylor

Phrases, Attitude, and Action Replacements That Work Better

#1: The snooze button works wonders

If they’re upset, what could you do? Don’t try to convince them that they shouldn’t be upset at the moment. Let them know that you understand that it bothers them. When they’re upset, don’t give excuses or promise that it won’t happen again. Give it time (give them space)- emotions are heightened, it will go through one ear and out the other. Expect no resolution if you try to resolve everything in the heat of the moment. Both parties have to self-regulate.

#2: Words can be powerful

Saying “you are blowing it out of proportion” is just your assumption, and ultimately belittles your partner’s feelings. Confirmation Bias is how you interpret new information based on what has happened in the past. So if your partner got upset at you in the past for being late again, knowing that it upset your partner before, as expected, your partner would feel disrespected and unheard. So instead of your partner looking at the new information and the situation at hand, they are basing off of what happened in the past (thus, “Oh, you’re late again!”) They’re not going to look at the times when you were early or showed up on time. If they’re upset, what could you do? Well for starters, don’t try to convince them that they shouldn’t be upset at the moment. Let them know that you understand that it bothers them. When they’re upset, don’t give excuses or promise that it won’t happen again. A simple, “I heard you, and I’m working on this” may bring some calmness to the matter.

#3:Be at peace with letting things go

Often times it’s difficult to accept that other people are simply not going to understand you 100%, and that’s OK. It’s not their responsibility to read your mind or to make sense of what you’re feeling. It is completely fine that others will disagree with you or not see it your way, even for no reason- it’s a part of life. What should we focus on instead?  That the people who are there for you, who love you– you have to take them with you all the way. Put aside your pride in winning, and focus on the common goal. It’s easier said than done, but with practice, one can effectively communicate well with others.

Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi (Prayer for Peace)

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.