“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”
-Brené Brown
Why do empaths keep ending up with narcissists? It’s a question that stings because the answer feels too close to home. You’re caring, deeply intuitive, and able to love in ways most people can’t — and yet, you find yourself drained, silenced, or walking on eggshells in relationships that promised magic but delivered manipulation.
I know, because I’ve lived it — over and over again. And it wasn’t until I finally hit my breaking point that I understood: empathy isn’t the problem. Boundaries are.
In this episode of the Really Personal Podcast, I’m pulling back the curtain on why narcissists are so drawn to empaths, the red flags you can’t afford to ignore, and the tools that will let you keep your soft heart without letting anyone take advantage of it.
Let’s Get Clear: What Narcissism Really Is
The word narcissist is everywhere. An ex who ghosted you? Narcissist. A boss who’s too confident? Narcissist. A friend who let you down? Narcissist.
But not everyone who hurts you is a narcissist. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a real condition, diagnosed in about 1% of the global population. But many more people display narcissistic traits without ever holding the official label. And whether it’s a diagnosis or not, the impact on you as an empath can feel exactly the same.
Here’s what narcissists tend to show:
- Inflated self-importance.
- Lack of genuine empathy.
- Craving admiration and control.
- Charm that morphs into manipulation.
- Defensiveness — even rage — when criticized.
On the surface, they can seem magnetic. But peel back the layers, and the pattern is always the same: they take more than they give.
Red Flags Wrapped in Pretty Paper
Here’s the trap: narcissists rarely walk in saying, “Hey, I’m going to manipulate the hell out of you.” If it were that obvious, we’d all run. Instead, they show up like a beautifully wrapped gift with a hollow center.
The signs are there — if you’re willing to see them:
- Love-bombing: Over-the-top attention and promises that feel intoxicating at first.
- Boundary testing: Jokes or digs that sting, smoothed over with, “Don’t be so sensitive.”
- Centering themselves: Somehow, your story always loops back to them.
- Hot-and-cold cycles: One day you’re everything, the next you’re invisible.
As Maya Angelou said: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Empaths, however, are experts at ignoring these signs, rationalizing them away with compassion that quickly becomes self-abandonment.
My Breaking Point
For years, I fell for the same type of man — the magnetic, confident ones who made me feel special, chosen, one of a kind. And to be fair, some had redeeming qualities: smart, funny, even thoughtful. But those crumbs of attention were enough for me to excuse the red flags.
I bent myself into two versions: the “laid-back girl” who never pushed too hard, and the “silent girl” who swallowed her feelings and obsessed privately instead of speaking up. Every time, I gave until there was nothing left — and every time, I ended up empty.
And then came the one who finally cracked the cycle wide open. After my father — my last parent — passed away, he ended our relationship the very next day. And instead of grieving fully, I still made his comfort the priority. That was my wake-up call.
As painful as it was, that moment was also the gift. It forced me to say, “Enough.” It taught me that life will keep giving you the same lesson until you learn it. And the lesson was this: my worth can’t depend on being chosen by someone else. My empathy is not a crime — but without boundaries, it becomes my downfall.
Tools Every Empath Needs
Here’s the part that matters most: you can still be deeply loving and kind while protecting yourself. You don’t have to harden your heart. You just need tools.
- Recognize the pattern early.
Write down the red flags you’ve ignored in the past. That list is your roadmap. The next time you see them, don’t rationalize. Walk away. - Strengthen your boundaries.
Boundaries aren’t walls — they’re guidelines. Start small: say no, end a call when you’re drained, speak up when something feels off. Boundaries get stronger the more you practice them. - Separate their feelings from yours.
Empaths absorb emotions like sponges. Ask yourself, “Is this mine to carry?” If not, hand it back. Their chaos isn’t your responsibility. - Stop giving endless chances.
One chance is grace. Ten chances? That’s self-destruction. Remember: when someone shows you the same behavior twice, believe them. - Build self-worth outside of relationships.
Your value doesn’t rise and fall with who loves you. Invest in passions, celebrate your wins, surround yourself with people who see you, not just what you give. - Keep empathy sacred.
Not everyone deserves your compassion. Save it for those who treat it with respect.
And when someone gaslights or dismisses you? Try:
- “I see it differently, and my perspective matters too.”
- “That may be how you remember it, but my experience was not the same.”
- “When you say that, I feel dismissed, and I won’t ignore that.”
Healthy, mature partners won’t shy away from these conversations. They want them. Because real relationships take real work, and honesty is the foundation.
Final Reflections
Being an empath isn’t your weakness. It’s your gift. But when you protect that gift with boundaries, you stop being prey for narcissists and start becoming the kind of person who attracts honesty, maturity, and love that lasts.
And if no one’s told you lately: you’re not too sensitive, you’re not too much, and you’re not broken. You’re an empath. That’s your power. Use it wisely.
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