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A Huge Part of The Work Of Becoming Securely Attached

A Huge Part of The Work Of Becoming Securely Attached

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Mary Ann Addis

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The premise of the word attachment implies there is a second person that you need to attach to in order to become secure.


Navigating the complexities of attachment, anxiety, and avoidance in relationships can be a daunting task. But imagine possessing the tools to convert those avoidant attachment styles into secure ones, and cultivating solid relationships based on your inner beliefs, values, and self-respect.

What if you could clearly communicate your needs, fostering a securely attached and fulfilling relationship? Well, you’re in luck. We’re about to delve into exactly how you can make this transformation. Tune into the latest episode on the Really Personal Podcast. Don’t miss it. Your journey towards becoming more securely attached starts here.

A Huge Part of The Work of Becoming Securely Attached

How To Become More Securely Attached

#1: Make a conscious decision to stop dating people who cause anxiety.

Oftentimes, our anxiety is mistaken for feelings of love towards this person. You want to be there for them, show them love, be nurturing, be supportive- how can I do that if you’re pulling away and you’re not intentional?

#2: Stopped feeling guilty about being perceived as needy.

Wanting to have strong communication is not needy. Giving my partner a clear blueprint on how to make me happy, is not needy. Essentially, if your partner is in the business of making you happy, then you’re setting them up for success. 

#3: Learn to show a significant amount of self-compassion when triggered to feel insecure.

In the past, I would experience this dark cloud of insecurity, shame, and embarrassment.  I have now transitioned to loving self-talk, self-kindness, and self-reassurance. Who woud have thought that being nice to yourself can have a huge impact!

#4: Set and respect boundaries.

If they do something that bothers you, communicate calmly. If an avoidant needs time alone, provide that space while simultaneously expressing they can’t run and need to return to express their feelings and thoughts. 

#5: Manage and self-regulate your own emotions.

You’re able to recognize when you have the need to either cling, have anxiety, or want to pull away without actually acting on those feelings. You’re able to communicate your feelings and work towards repair with your partner rather than running away, clinging, or acting out. Although it’s nice to have, you don’t always need external reassurance. If believe you’re worthy of love, then you also know what you deserve.

#6: Have a support system.

Having others to lean on, talk to, and counsel with can make a huge difference in becoming securely attached. This has to do more with regulating your emotions. It’s not smart to just rely on one person to help you emotionally- what will happen when that person is gone?

So when you’re anxious, sad, depressed, angry, or frustrated, you now have different, reliable friends/family/co-workers/therapists. This is your diverse support system. When your partner/situationship starts to pull away, although it’s triggering, you have others. There’s a security within yourself that you are surrounded by loving, supportive people.


Find consistency in your relationships. Consistency is key- it helps you to set boundaries, express your needs, and be willing to walk away if that person is not trying, not communicating, and is not intentional.


Book Recommendation

Spring 2022 Books Must Reads Attached

You Deserve This Sh!t: Get Unstuck, Find Your Path, and Become the Best Version of Yourself Book Recommendation on My Night Stand | Mary Ann Life BlogA Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life by Parker J. Palmer


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