Real & Personal

Let’s Cut the Crap of “It’s Not You, It’s Me”

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Mary Ann Addis

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Not all storms come to disrupt your life. Some come to clear your path.

 

Breakups are always very difficult, especially when its sudden eruption shakes you at your very core. Emotions of frustration, confusion, and sadness converge together, enveloped to feel the ultimate feeling of disappointment. All too many people can relate to feeling disappointed in others. Why do others have the upper hand to create such deep hurt and disappointment for us? 

 

 

I’m a big believer that clarity results from a breakup. Just recently out of nowhere, a guy I was dating for several months ended our relationship. Not only was it unexpected, but the trajectory that we were heading was contrary to his reasons for ending things. When the phrase, “it’s not you, it’s me” appeared, I stopped listening, and wished the dude good luck on his dating endeavors. 

 

Let’s call what the “It’s not you, it’s me” phrase really is– CRAP! It’s an easy ticket out from what the guy is really feeling and trying to convey. To one degree, I understand not wanting to cause additional pain to the other person, but then again what happened to just owning your reasons, even if they’re absurd or even pathetic. The only intention of using this phrase is to make the cut as clean as possible for him, resulting in the other person feeling confused and speechless. 

 

This phrase would never work in the business world. Can you imagine telling your boss that “it’s not you, it’s me?” It’s complete rubbish. We often change jobs because we’re unhappy or complacent. Perhaps we’re hungry for something more challenging, exciting, and thrilling. So whenever guys use this phrase, here are some things he’s implying but is too “polite” to say:

 

  • You don’t challenge me enough.
  • I’m not fulfilling my sexual needs.
  • I’m seeing others. I want to pursue others.
  • Dating you is not exciting. 
  • You’re not enough.
  • I’m bored.
  • You’re nice and all, but I want something more. (whatever that means!)
  • I’m not looking for a serious relationship.
  • I’m not ready to settle down until I explore what’s more out there. 

 

Brutal as some of these appear, I can’t help but ask if it’s preferred to hear the brutal truth, or be content with “it’s not you, it’s me?” For the women who have experienced broken hearts and were delivered this line, deep down you knew what was really being conveyed. 

 

Strong women are going to examine themselves upon hearing this to see what could have been done from their end to make the relationship work. At your very best, you still won’t be good enough for the wrong person. All we can do is find the peace and courage within to move on, and not waste time holding on to someone who feels complacent. That is his issue and his issue alone. 

 

Difficult as it may be to distance ourselves from falling into the abyss of self-criticism, doubt, and regret, there are plenty of men out there worthy of all we have to offer. One of the most courageous decisions you will ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul, and open yourself to new possibilities. 

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