Do you actually like them, or do you want them to like you? Those images you created in your head- that fantasy life with them is not reality. One way to break free from this is to observe red flags in the early onset of dating.
Gabrielle Bergeron is not only a former co-worker, but also a friend that has journeyed with me through the tumultuous, yet entertaining experiences of online dating. She joins us for round 2 on the Really Personal Podcast, and boy do we have some juice to spill!
What exactly are red flags and why do they even matter? When we feel something is off, but we can’t logically pinpoint exactly what that is, we often tend to ignore it. And I get it- when dating someone new, we’re just going off the surface and what we’re seeing because we don’t have a history to go off of. We don’t have patterns to look at to see what this person is really like.
However, our subconscious is really good at telling us and warning us of things that don’t add up. So if someone is deceiving us or they aren’t telling the full truth, we can certainly feel a guttural tug.
Most of us will ignore the red flags because it’s not obvious and because we want the relationship to work out. Those of us with attachment wounds actually have it even worse as in not being able to recognize red flags.
Ever wonder why you’re attracted to certain people? What are the factors that will determine whether your relationship is successful or not so much? The area of psychology that gives us insight into this is called Attachment Theory. Listen to the episode where we dive into these dating attachment styles.
Often we don’t believe what we see, we see what we believe. Not saying to be naive or ignore red flags, but if you go out there and your initial perception is dating apps are horrible or all men are generally terrible, sadly you will only experience those kinds of people.
And as promised, here are some polite declines to send via text rather than ghosting. Keep them stored on your phone to bail you out from embarking on another useless date:
Hey! I’ve enjoyed chatting with you, but thinking some more I’ve decided I’m not interested in pursuing this further. I’m sorry I didn’t realize that before agreeing to another date last night! I don’t want to waste your time by going on it. I wish you all the best!
I’ve loved getting to know you but I don’t feel a connection. Thank you for your time!
Red Flags to Look For
#1: Mr. Nice Guy
“I’m a nice guy!”… if a man feels the need to articulate this trait, let that ring in your ear that he just may not be a nice guy. Actions speak louder than words. In other words, no need to share that info, just show it!
#2: Demi Downer
Oh, I have been on dates where the guy would speak poorly of his family members and exes. Talk about a brute! This provides insight into how he perceives himself and those he apparently cares about- would you be any different?
#3: The Love Bomber
We all love a compliment or a slight touch here and there, but if the guy is coming at you with a full force of love behind him, RUN! Gabby and I go into how clingy and overtly sexual men give us the eek. Stay far away from a stage one clinger!
#4: You’re too Good for Me!
By far, this is my favorite comment from guys because it’s absolute rubbish. Although appearing to be a compliment, he is actually giving you a warning that he may either hurt you, break your trust, and is not dependable. Take his word, believe that you’re too good for this bull$hit!
#5: Mixed Signals
Getting to know someone new on dates can be fun and adventurous. It’s when you start to see the missing pieces, things not adding up, and questionable behaviors that it no longer becomes fun. Please oh please, don’t ignore these mixed signals. They’re hot and attentive one week, but quiet and distant the next. They want you but then they state they’re taking their time and need space. They’ll make plans only to break them due to being “busy.”
Life is too short to deal with a man’s confusion. Be clear with your standards and move on!
Red flags That Aren’t Really Red Flags
#1: People’s past relationships
Let’s leave people’s past where it belongs- in the past! Every person is different, and every relationship is different. Pay more attention to HOW they talk about their past relationships.
#2: Texting & Communicating
We often forget that we all have different communication styles and we all have different texting styles. Pay attention to their texting habits. Too much communication in the day may not be what’s best for you. For sure it’s not a red flag if they are not texting you right away. People have lives!
#3: If They Wanted to They Would
On one hand, if they want to they will make the effort or take action, but what is it that you want them to do? Or need them to do? We often think they can read our minds, and they are not responsible for reading our minds. Communicate and give them a chance to do it. Just because the person is taking their time or hasn’t done what you need doesn’t mean it’s a red flag. They probably just don’t know.
To attract better, you have to become better which requires you to do things differently than you did yesterday. If you keep doing the same things on repeat, how do you expect anything to change?